Mom Cam in the Minivan

There was once a time when I live-streamed a series called Mom Cam in the Minivan. In its glory day, I had 5 viewers simultaneously. Okay, maybe it was more like 4. And one was my husband, who watched only because he feared for my life. Everything turned out okay. I kept my hands on '10' and '2' and most importantly ensured the light reflecting from the sun visor was flattering.

As the live stream episodes are feathers to the wind, I decided to start recording them. Welcome to Season 2 of Mom Cam in the Minivan. This time it has some permanence to it, because ya know... YouTube. Enjoy Episode 14, just don't ask about the other thirteen.

How Being a Parent is Like Being in Prison

Due to mass consumption of specific genres of television, I'm an expert in several fields.

I'd make an excellent attorney. Thank you Law & Order.

I can solve what ails you. Thank you House.

And I can soothe you to sleep with a very relaxing and monotone voice. Thank you The Newshour with Jim Lehrer.

Even though I've never been in prison, I'm pretty sure I know what it's like to be a prisoner because of bulk watching Orange is the New Black. And given that I have three children, I'm convinced my household is a prequel to an actual real life experience of being behind bars. If you encounter these elements of parenting, you may also know the feeling of how sometimes parenting is like being in prison. 

The Riots

They break loose at any given moment and usually involve makeshift weapons.

The Meals

I find myself protecting my plate during dinner time. If not, little hands grab what they can until I have nothing left to eat.

The Privacy

It feels like I'm constantly being watched... while I shower, when I pee, and I've definitely woken up with someone staring at me at the edge of the bed.

The Threats

From subtle to obvious, I've heard everything from "I'm going to kill you," "I'll lick you while you sleep," to the most threatening of all, "when you're dead, I get your money and jewelry."

But hey y'all, you've got to look at the bright side of parenting. It's also like having Stockholm Syndrome. No matter what, we love our little captors, even when we get shanked by a Lego.

Chef Boyardon't: A Recipe for Disaster

I'm a little less Nigella Lawson and a little more Nigella Lawless in the kitchen..  It's not that I don't know how to cook, it's just that I like to do things my way. If a recipe asks me to peel a tomato or requires reading for more than a page, then it's not for me. I like to keep things simple and by simple I mean I totally use boxed cake mixes. But even if I'm following a simple recipe somethings gonna happen. So I've compiled a list of 'somethings that happened' so they don't have to happen to you.  Consider this blog your list of Chef Boyardon'ts. 

A Recipe for Disaster

  • Preheat the over to 350 but forget to check that you were storing Tupperware in it
  • Use cake flour that expired in 2007
  • Realize you weren't supposed to use cake flour but self-rising flour
  • Think you're using a one-cup measuring cup, when it actually holds two
  • Mix all ingredients you do have and put in an ungreased loaf pan that is supposed to be greased 
  • Look in microwave and find the melted butter you were supposed to include
  • Wait until the end to read the recipe in its entirety only to realize you're out of baking powder
  • Put in the oven to Bake for 65 minutes and get an alert you have to be at the dentist in 15 minutes