I was a sophomore in college when I thought I'd never fall in love. Correction: I was a sophomore in college when I thought no one would ever fall in love with me. Though confident that I was adorable and a catch, I convinced myself guys would never see me in the way I saw myself. I would forever fall into the friend category. I became obsessed with love: what it was, where it was, where was mine. And all I did was journal about love. For you kids out there, that's what you may refer to as blogging, except no one saw it.
But as a the good hoarder I am, I found my journal and something for my friends. Literally, this is what I titled it, "something for my friends." It summed up all I felt and hoped others did too. I wrote it and felt the world was not as lonely. Here it is for you -- a #tbt blog before blogs.
"Something for my friends" (September 1996)
I want to write something for my friends. Something about boys. Something that summarizes all that we feel written into a nice little package with a beginning, a middle and revelatory ending. Something that makes us feel good about what's lacking in our lives: the love of our lives (or something similar and close to that). Because I think about it all the time and write about it frequently. I thought it was alone in my thoughts until someone admitted that their journal entries were also about the same subject. It makes me feel better to write about it, to get it out of my head onto paper. Maybe the words will magically leap up and find this person for me. It feels better though to talk about it, to describe what I want.
I like playing the "what will my husband be like" game.
And the "let's take turns saying what qualities you want" game.
And "if you had to name three traits and only three what would they be" game.
It's like a stress release just to say them out loud and maybe he's listening and maybe he'll say, "Hey that's me you're describing."
I've been boy-crazy ever since I knew what a boy was. I used to chase them and kiss them and ask them to "go" with me. Ironically, the way I acted when I was six hasn't changed much.
But now it's different.
I don't want the attention.
I want the purest sense of adoration.
We all do.
We want guys to see what our friends see in us. We want them to do what we do… Walk past places where we might be just to see us. Stay an extra five minutes just to be with us.
I always try to keep myself from analyzing everything a guy I'm interested in does, but just like you eventually have to blink in a staring contest analysis occurs.
Like the fact he knew what I was doing last night and I didn't tell him.
Like the fact I caught him looking at me.
And he always makes sure he says goodbye.
I think these things mean something.
Sometimes I act stupid. I stare at his shoes, because I don't want him to catch me staring at his face. I play games. I act quiet, because maybe he'll ask what's the matter. I walk behind or ahead of the group to see if he will wait or catch up. And if you're having a conversation and he asks you questions that's always a good sign.
I want to be chased. Chase after. And for things to happen naturally.
I want to fall in love. Be in love. Be loved.
I don't need it now. I don't necessarily want it now. I just want to know it will be there someday.
I want to see the future. I listen intently when my friends surmise about my love life-- what they think may occur, the reasons they haven't. But I really do want it to be a surprise. Almost literally – "Surprise, I love you!"
I saw my friends as pretty before they were my friends. Now as I know them, they are even more beautiful. Now their souls shine through their exteriors. There's a visible difference on how you look at someone, how you see your friends when they go from being acquaintances to people you can trust. It's like putting new batteries in a flashlight.
I want a boy to see me this way.
For after each talk we have for me to become more beautiful, because he sees all of me. Because he sees something about me. Something I don't see or know of.
I tell myself it's not my fault I don't have this now. And it's not. It's no ones. Time is the reason. Because how amazingly coincidental does it have to be for two people to meet at the right time of place in space in life when they are ready for the same exact things. For me not to have this isn't unusual. It's unusual to have this.
At least that's what I tell myself.
I also tell myself my personality is intimidating.
I'm out going and hyper and I know what I want.
I'm outspoken and confident and kind of unusual.
Maybe boys aren't ready for me yet.
They need to be 24 so I'll have to wait three more years.
At least that's what I tell myself.
Other times I tell myself:
If I'm wearing lipstick, he'll think I'm sexy.
If I look innocent, he'll think I'm cute.
If I make him laugh, he'll want me.
Then other times, most the times I think it shouldn't matter. He, meaning the Ultimate, will like me no matter what. I'll be sexy and beautiful and cute and funny and adorable even when I don't feel like it, because he'll see me as dynamic and special and unique. I don't know if I think about what I want to much.
I guess I do.
Sometimes I feel like I'm looking for something, for someone that doesn't exist. At least he doesn't exist for me.
Sometimes I think I'll never find that or be in love because I'm not meant to be. What if I'm here to teach the world not to miss out on things and the moral of the story is someone misses out on me.
It's not so important that I fall in love now or that it happens fast. Just that it happens, eventually, in a decent amount of time. And that it's good.
I don't really have a tidy precise package of thoughts here. I can't foresee what's to happen and I don't want to. I have faith that everything will work out-- love in particular-- because the rest of my life has and I haven't even tried. I know my thoughts aren't alone. I know my friends think about this. But what would make me feel better is to know that guys think about love too. That they wonder if the girl sitting next to them might be their future wife, even if they don't want to get married until age 27. I just want to know that they think of it, that they want love, are scared of love, and are scared of not finding love. And you never know, maybe I'm in one of their hypothetical situations. Maybe I'm someone's Ultimate.