Trolling for Attention by Amanda Marks

My husband tries to get in the Zone 1 boarding line at the airport, when our tickets clearly indicate we're Zone 4.  This is what embarrasses me: breaking rules.  But there are other things that don't embarrass me that, perhaps, should. Like what I'm about to tell you.

I'm an internet troll.

But instead of interrupting usual conversations, I troll my Facebook Messenger's "Other" Folder. Do you spot it down below to the right of the Inbox? Most people don't know about the "Other" Folder (or ignore it).  

It's where messages go from people you're not Facebook Friends with. It's where Spam goes to die.  It's also where I go to learn about banks in foreign countries that want to give me money, how cheap I can get Viagra and that I am, perhaps, too good at taking selfies for my Facebook Profile Pics. The fodder I find is not in the one-way messages of strangers, but rather in the conversations that ensue when I actually respond.  I don't respond to all messages, but when I do it goes something like this:




Shirts Happen by Amanda Marks

I was taught at a young age that if I could schlep it, then I could bring it. Instead of seeing this as a need to simplify, I saw this a challenge to carry as much crap as humanely possible.  So prior to a recent trip to Israel for my nephews' Bar Mitzvahs, I began to think: If ants can carry 5,000 times their body weight, why can't this aunt?  

I managed to pack 75% of my closet allowing myself three clothing options a day plus alternates pending on what my fleeting fashion feelings might be.  Day to day, my attire ranged from sensible to nonsensical.  I was happy knowing that if the mood struck, I had an extra miniskirt at the ready.  

However, it was the day we were at Jerusalem's Biblical Zoo, when I realized I was the visiting attraction.  A local approached me saying, "You must be here on holiday. You dress too funny for an Israeli."  My response: "I dress too funny for an American."   I know this already. My style is what I call don't fret-a-porter. I'm okay with that and the 'looks' I often get.

But as I continued our trip, I began to notice something even more ridiculous than my outfits and it wasn't the massive numbers of souvenir shops. It was the t-shirts in those stores. Half of which I briefly owned as a teenager until my mother "mistakenly" washed all of them with a red shirt before I started my high school senior year.  What a blessing.  

I have mental pictures in my head of what that last year in high school would have been like, if the Washing Machine Incident of 1994 never happened. And fortunately, for you I have actual pictures of these shirts of Teen Tour Past.  Here are some of the best of's for your viewing pleasure. Which one is your favorite? Did you own any of these gems?


It's about Time by Amanda Marks

Living life without regrets is often my motivation. Because of this I've taken actions that may be deemed unthinkable to most: Telling college crushes I liked them, starting a new career as a comedian and eating questionable grocery store sushi.  Not all these situations have boded well, but I'm happy that at least I know the outcome and that none have resulted in downing Pepto.  

However there are times I want to go back in time: To hold my kids again as babies, visit with relatives who've since passed and perhaps buy stock in Facebook.  Though time travel is an impossibility, I like to prepare my readers for the unforeseeable [like putting together a Weber Grill solamente], so I've created a Time Machine Guide.  It's more CraigsList Classifieds than Kelly Blue Book, as they may be defective or likely to kill you. Either way, there's no time like the present to pick your mode of time travel!

Mall of Amanda's Time Machine Guide

The Phone Booth (Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures)

Pros: This time machine may come with Keanu Reeves.
Cons: This time machine may come with Keanu Reeves.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Hot Tub (The Hot Tub Time Machine)

Pros: It's a hot tub... a hot tub TIME MACHINE, y'all!
Cons: Not safe for time travel if you're pregnant

 

 

 

 

The DeLorean (Back to the Future -- all parts)

Pros: The Mr. Fusion model runs on garbage so you can impress neighbors with your eco-friendly car choice. It's like the Tesla of time travel.

Cons: Does not come with its own Uber Driver. 

 

 

 

The Time Machine Modulus (Napoleon Dynamite)

Pros: Comes fully-loaded with tots, Gosh!
Cons: Doesn't freakin' work.

Curly Q's: Frequently Asked Questions about My Jewfro by Amanda Marks

I was born with an unruly personality and hair that matched. As if Samson, I've always been convinced the two are intertwined.  Take away my curls and you take away my power. But, honey, these luscious locks aren't going anywhere. Believe me. I tried.

In college, I had the Level 3 chemical straightener applied to my hair. It still took three hours to flat iron and then minutes later, my curls would revolt. Back to Jewfro I'd go.  I've learned to love my crazy curls. Now my motto is: The Bigger the Better.

But no matter how I've worn my hair, I've always been the field rep for Jewfros.  So I've compiled the top five questions I've been getting since the beginning of my time. Feel free to submit your inquiries via my contact page. In the mean time, please check this list of... 

Frequently Asked Curly Q's

  • Question 1: Is that your real hair?

I was at De La Soul concert and overheard two gentlemen discussing my hair and questioning whether or not a 'white girl' could have hair like mine.  And, yes! Yes we can.  So I turned around and said, "yes! My hair is real!"  It's neither weave nor perm.  This wasn't the first time I've been asked this and it's usually coupled with "is your hair that black or do you dye it?"  I was asked that when I was 12 and the answer was I don't dye.  Ask me again and you will.

  • Question 2: Can I pull it?

Someone once said to me, "I just want to pull your hair. I wanna pull it!"  And it wasn't an old boyfriend.  In fact, it was a female stranger.  Mostly I assume this is a rhetorical question. So I only answer with a dirty look.

  • Question 3: Can I touch it?

I answer this question with a question: Are you my hair stylist?

  • Question 4: What ethnicity are you?

I think what people really want to ask me is: Are you Jewish? Is that why you have that hair? But I like to confuse them and say I'm Eastern European, I'm Turkish and from Alabama.  All true. And together.... all very confusing.

  • Question 5: Do you have a pen?

I know what you're thinking... "Does she have a pen?"  I know this seemingly has nothing to do with hair. But if you ever need anything chances are I can either find it hidden in my purse.... or in my Jewfro.

 

Chef Boyardon't: A Recipe for Disaster by Amanda Marks

I'm a little less Nigella Lawson and a little more Nigella Lawless in the kitchen..  It's not that I don't know how to cook, it's just that I like to do things my way. If a recipe asks me to peel a tomato or requires reading for more than a page, then it's not for me. I like to keep things simple and by simple I mean I totally use boxed cake mixes. But even if I'm following a simple recipe somethings gonna happen. So I've compiled a list of 'somethings that happened' so they don't have to happen to you.  Consider this blog your list of Chef Boyardon'ts. 

A Recipe for Disaster

  • Preheat the over to 350 but forget to check that you were storing Tupperware in it
  • Use cake flour that expired in 2007
  • Realize you weren't supposed to use cake flour but self-rising flour
  • Think you're using a one-cup measuring cup, when it actually holds two
  • Mix all ingredients you do have and put in an ungreased loaf pan that is supposed to be greased 
  • Look in microwave and find the melted butter you were supposed to include
  • Wait until the end to read the recipe in its entirety only to realize you're out of baking powder
  • Put in the oven to Bake for 65 minutes and get an alert you have to be at the dentist in 15 minutes

Giving the Finger to Nose Picking by Amanda Marks

I relinquish to the fact that 100% of my children have, will or currently pick their nose.  Being that I'm a glass half-full type person  (or in this case a tissue box completely full),  I began to wonder: Are there benefits to this ill-mannered impulse? So I decided that instead of giving the finger to this inevitable childhood pastime that I'd rather extract the positives.

 

The Benefits of Nose-Picking 

[As Justified by an Underachieving Mother]

  1. Save money on tissues

  2. No need to prepare appetizers

  3. A great way to introduce French with terms like faux pas and amuse-bouche

  4. Keeps finger tips warm (cold weather only)

  5. Keeps children from pointing at physical differences of strangers

Beastie Boys' Sabotage and The Walking Dead Remix by Amanda Marks

The Beastie Boys' Adrock wants to be on The Walking Dead, so The Walking Dads thought it seemed fitting to remix some of the finest The Walking Dead scenes to the beat of Sabotage.  As the original Sabotage music pays tribute to 1970's TV Crime Dramas, we are giving a 'hat tip' via our variation.

Follow us on Twitter @realwalkingdads, thewalkingdads.com and don't forget to subscribe The Walking Dads YouTube channel!

Keeping the Flames of Romance Alive by Amanda Marks

Your relationship doesn't have to die just because you're stuck in the zombie apocalypse. Check out our latest installment of The Walking Dads web series with guest "Sexpert" Gay Bob.  Warning: NSFW!  You can follow The Walking Dads on Twitter @realwalkingdads or visit our website at TheWalkingDads.com


Dishing Out Dishonesty by Amanda Marks

Yes. I lie to my kids. But don't worry, it's for a good cause.  It's called the 'Cause It's Easier. Making up a little white lie specifically about why my trio should eat healthier just seems more sensical than trying logic.  Consider this blog your Cliff Notes to food fibbing.

Source: http://www.foreverinmomgenes.com/

Source: http://www.foreverinmomgenes.com/

 

The Food: M&Ms

The Lie: My kids are always wondering why Mommy is popping pills.  I'm not a drug addict. I'm a chocoholic. But I've told them the 'M' on M&M stands for medicine.  Accordingly, my kiddos are avoiding Mommy's meds like they're Jenny McCarthy.

 

 

 

 

The Food: Ice Cream 

The Lie: Unfortunately the jig is up but at one point my twins believed that the ice cream truck was actually called 'the scary musical van.'

 

 

 

The Food: Green Beans

The Lie: Why is everything more adorable in miniature and more delicious when it's frozen?. Reason: It's science! Which is why I've told my kids that the frozen green beans are tiny Fla-Vor-Ice Pops. 

 

Source: www.b3ta.com/board/11052401

Source: www.b3ta.com/board/11052401

 

The Food: Broccoli

The Lie: Some little girls are obsessed with having Barbies. Mine is obsessed with having boobies. She's only 5, but is already covetous of my cleavage. So when she refused to eat her broccoli the other night, I whispered in her ear "they'll give you boobies when you're a teenager" and she quickly ate it up.  

 

 

 

Source: Clipartof.com

Source: Clipartof.com

The Food: Halloween Candy

The Lie: I totally overestimated how many Trick or Treaters we'd get and underestimated my love for buying in bulk. Five months post festivities, there is a ridiculous amount of residual Halloween candy in my home.  Every time I try to throw it away, my husband responds like I'm trying to take his wallet instead of protect his waistline. And the kids have turned into a Cirque de Soleil act to get to his 'secret" hiding spot on the pantry's top shelf.  So I sprang into action with the best lie ever -- the Tooth Fairy is my Facebook Friend and candy is her fiend. When I see them trying to get conniving with the corn syrup I just invoke the power of the Tooth Fairy's imaginary Facebook Page. Of course this is not the truth. After all, the Tooth Fairy is only on Instagram.

The Food: Pretty Much Any Meal

The Lie:  My littlest dude refuses to keep his rump in one place during dinner.  But don't worry: "There's an app for that!" Kind of. One night I was totally fed up with my frolicking five-year-old so pretended to download an app that could control his body.  He's so worried about it that he now sits still for supper time.  Problem solved!

 

 

Fine Print: The big lie -- only the broccoli one is true.  ;)

Zombie Apocalypse Summer Camp by Amanda Marks

Here is the next installment of The Walking Dads web series with our guest, Simon Yin, who is a Camp Director [during the zombie apocalypse].  Remember to read that Disclaimer!

Follow The Walking Dads on Twitter @realwalkingdads

Let's Get Baked Live by Amanda Marks

So you totally missed it. I live streamed an impromptu baking session using the new Meerkat App. Though I'm no longer a Live Stream virgin, I am still a novice so please be gentle with me as I work through the kinks.

What I learned: Content is always king. No one cared about watching me drive to the dog park or singing in the car. Though I prefer to improvise, it's important to at least have a little bit of a plan in place before live streaming content.  And of course most importantly a solid wifi connection. 

For my first (what I deem successful) Meerkat Live Stream, I chose baking a cake. And yes there was clothing underneath my cupcake apron. It wasn't that type of live stream. That will be next week.  Check it out below:

Side note: As Meerkat doesn't save your content to the cloud if you want to keep it you'll need to save to your camera roll and then upload to Vimeo or YouTube.


A Layabouts Guide to Workouts by Amanda Marks

Source: http://www.sharenator.com/picdump_11/wine_drinking_hat-168007.html

Source: http://www.sharenator.com/picdump_11/wine_drinking_hat-168007.html

I'm huge into simplification, procrastination and justifications. Which is why when I found the recent report in Science Daily about the consumption of red wine being equivalent to exercise extremely exciting news.  I'm a layabout when it comes to the workout. In fact so much so that when I was pregnant with my twins, I opted for a C-section just so I wouldn't have to push. 

Based on this new evidence, I've come up with exercises we can all enjoy -- sip by sip.  Here is a simple guide to an easier more delicious workout.

Mall of Amanda's Workout to Drink Up Conversion Chart...

 


Get Your Grill On: My First 'How To' Blog by Amanda Marks

First it was the passing of our beloved Beta Fish, Dooky-doo, and now our grill has died.  Though my five year old is still sitting shiva for his pet by eating lox non-stop, the family quickly got over the death of our Weber. We had it for almost 13 years. It was a wedding present from my siblings who generously gave it to their youngest poor sibling (me) after I said "I'd like this grill."  I figured after years of my older brother and sister using me as their production assistant, intern and peon I felt it was ok to demand a very nice grill as back-pay.  

My father-in-law would say the lack of cleaning caused the death of our grill.  But I think our grill went down in flames after an incident with a duck. It was a fowl event.  I'm grateful that my training as a cold-zone volunteer fire fighter with the Decatur FD could finally come in handy. Plus it's given me the excuse to use this awesome pic of myself on the Mall of Amanda Blog.

Me. Hot flames. Hot pants. --------------------->

But this brings us to the now. To the present.  My first "How To" blog. My husband got a great deal on a new Weber Genesis via Amazon. I brag that I'm great at putting together anything from Ikea, so I'm like "yeah, I got this."  However, after 38 minutes I've finally completed just step 1 of 34 in the assembly of this wonderful "Genesis Weber." I'm starting to think it means the genesis of hell. Maybe you've come to me for how to help and now you're feeling just as helpless as I do.  But my tips are simply one step and easy to follow. You'll feel much better after my guidance.

How to Assemble Weber's Genesis Gas Grill

Step 1.  Don't.


The Walking Dads by Amanda Marks

As talking and TV are two of my true loves, it seems natural to pursue a career as a talk show host.  But no one seems to be casting a 30 something Jewish girl from Alabama who is obsessed with the Beastie Boys, kale chips and red lipstick. Accordingly, I've taken matters into my own hands in exploring what I want to be when I grow up and created my own web-series -- The Walking Dads. Check out episodes 57 and 58 to learn some fantastic parenting and marital tips on surviving your family during the zombie apocalypse.  Because, ya know, it could happen.


Missed Confections: Love Letters to Sweet Things from My Past by Amanda Marks

"Life is a journey. Not a destination." But then again, Ralph Waldo Emerson was probably eating pretty crappy food in the 1880s. When I travel, it's not the museums or historical sites that imprint on my memory. I'd probably have to visit them for that to happen.  I prefer the food destinations.

So in memory of some and honor of others, I posted anonymous love letters to a few of my favorite sweets across the country that I miss dearly.  Of course, the most obvious place to post these:  the Craigslist Missed Connections section.  Here is a snippet of the letters. 

El Pinto's Sopapillas (Albuquerque, New Mexico)

JP Lick's Ice Cream Cakes (Boston, Massachusetts -- originally Jamaica Plains, MA)

Browdy's Cinnamon Raisin Bread (Birmingham, Alabama)